9 Habits to Improve Your Marriage

Valentines Day is upon us people. Some people are fans…some people aren’t.

Regardless of what camp you are in you are probably in the camp of improving your marriage or relationship!

So today I just wanted to offer 9 quick relationship friendly habits that you can easily incorporate into your relationship or marriage this year. I wrote a similar blog called 7 Habits to Improve Your Marriage in 2017 and it was a huge hit so I wanted to do it again for this new year.

1. Schedule time alone together.

As a marriage counselor I see all too often people getting stuck in their relationship simply because they are not spending quality one-on-one time together.

I totally understand we are all busy and overwhelmed and have hectic schedules, but it’s like anything else in life…if it is important to you schedule it or make time for it. A date night once a week is not going to heal your marriage, but it is going to provide the space you need to work through difficulties, talk about life and dream about the future.

2. Ask for a reassurance.

Sometimes we feel like a total looser and we simply need our partner to reassure us that we are enough for them or that we are smart or successful or a good parent or whatever it may be!

We have a partner in life for a reason. You don’t have to go through life alone. When we are able to ask for reassurance from our partner shame and doubt about ourselves and the relationship dissipates and connection becomes stronger.

3. Keep communication simple.

Simply stating what you feel and what you need during an argument or when you are frustrated with your partner can be HUGE as far as making amends and feeling close to your partner.

Almost every couple who comes into counseling tells me they are struggling with communication issues. This is pretty vague and could mean a million different things. What I have seen most often is people are not letting their partner know how they really feel about something that happened or something their partner did to them AND what they need instead or to repair.

Couples struggle because there is not a deep enough level of vulnerability in their relationship on any given time. We build up walls of hurt and resentment towards our partner (which makes sense because we all get hurt in our relationships), but then we don’t share what is REALLY going on and go on the defense and use blaming or attacking instead of leading with vulnerability.

4. Have weekly couch time.

I have an ENTIRE blog post called “Try this ONE Thing to Have an Awesome Marriage” dedicated to this idea because I think it is so important. I also have a free printable guide you can use as a starting point for your weekly couch times.

Set aside time every week to talk about all the big things in your life. Money. Kids. Schedules. Self-Care. Sex. Conflict resolution. Life stuff. This is a time you can tailor to your needs or your family and it can be incredibly connecting and beneficial. We so often live in chaos where we are running around and disorganized and not spending any time together talking about the real stuff.

5. Find a hobby or activity to do together.

Remember when you were dating your spouse and you were in that honeymoon phase of your relationship where you had all these neat things in common and life was just bliss?! Bring back that feeling by finding something to do together that brings both of you joy and a common ground.

When my husband and I were first dating we were really into music and listening to different bands. Over the past 12 years my love for discovering new bands and new music has faded a bit (not to say I don’t like music I just am not as interested in it as I used to be), which diminished a little bit of that bond we had. So we recently started mountain biking together and it has been a blast.

This could be anything! I could be working out, hiking, listening to podcasts, reading a book together, going on walks a few times a week or learning a new skill together. Bring fun back into your relationship!

6. Lead with empathy.

Once in session I told a couple, “Empathy is the magic sparkles that keeps your marriage together.” This was kind of funny in the moment (because I had my love of unicorns in mind), but it is totally true!

When our partner tells us something we did or said hurt them - lead with empathy. When our partner tells us they had a difficult day or are frustrated with a family member or overwhelmed with the children - lead with empathy.

Empathy is extremely powerful because it is by nature other-focused. It is so easy in life to become self focused and when we become too self-focused in our relationships connection crumbles.

Leading with empathy doesn’t have to be difficult. It can be as easy as saying something like, “I’m so sorry,” or “What a bummer,” or “That sounds really difficult.” Put your own style, language and genuineness into the empathy you give and it is bound to lead to a deeper connection in more ways than one.

7. Plan yearly a getaway.

I am a firm believer every couple needs a getaway at least once a year if possible. I know this can be difficult especially when children are in the mix, but it is so so good for your marriage.

This getaway can be just a night or two in town or in a town nearby. It doesn’t have to be some extravagant vacation (or it could be if you want!) Time away from the world and your children can be extremely powerful and healing for your relationship. Make it a priority and who doesn’t like vacation?!?!

8. Cultivate community.

I recognize this can be tricky for some people, but community is powerful and necessary for enjoying your marriage and enjoying life. Having community provides a multitude of benefits to your life and to your marriage.

First of all it provides you with someone to talk to if you are struggling as well as someone to relate to. It also prevents isolation. When we are isolated it can lead to depression, anxiety, loneliness, hopelessness and helplessness regardless if it is in marriage or otherwise.

Whether its your gym, church, work friends, hobby groups find some couple friends and hang out. You will feel better and so will your relationship.

9. Slow down.

When we get into cycles of repeating conflicts we go from 0-10 at ultra speed.

For example if when a conflict between you and your partner occurs then one of you gets loud, then the other starts blaming, then the other withdraws into a different room and the other chases them. This is a cycle - regardless of what the conflict is about it is likely you and your partner repeat the same cycle of conflict over and over again in your relationship.

Slow down and ask yourself how you are really feeling because underneath all that anger or frustration is either hurt, sadness or shame. Take a break from the conflict and identify within yourself how you are feeling and what you need and approach resolution from a place of vulnerability and honesty.

As a couples counselor I have seen these 9 habits work over and over again to strengthen the marital relationship and prevent conflict and discouragement in relationship. To be effective these habits need to be practiced on a daily or weekly basis over and over again.

I want to encourage you to just pick ONE thing and try it with your spouse this week. My personal favorite is empathy because it brings so much connection!

I hope your relationship in 2019 is filled with growth, connection, fun and adventure.

Love,

Chelsea

Encounter Counseling offers in-person counseling in Grand Junction and online counseling state-wide in Colorado including Denver, Boulder, Ft. Collins and Colorado Springs.